


Hive Madness

by KB9VCN



Category: El Hazard: The Wanderers
Genre: Descent into Madness, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-01-31
Updated: 2003-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-06 16:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8760106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Written January 2003; humor/parody; about 2700 words.
See also Ren And Stimpy.
After I had TV-Ifurita press the "History Eraser Button" in "The Alternative Amuck," I decided that my favorite Ren And Stimpy episode "Space Madness" deserved the full treatment.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written January 2003; humor/parody; about 2700 words.
> 
> See also _Ren And Stimpy_.
> 
> After I had TV-Ifurita press the "History Eraser Button" in "The Alternative Amuck," I decided that my favorite Ren And Stimpy episode "Space Madness" deserved the full treatment.

CONQUEROR'S LOG

I was just putting the finishing touches on my latest perfect flawless cunning plan for world domination this morning, when Queen Deva came to the door of my room.

She was wearing a long flannel night-shirt, and carrying a big fuzzy teddy-Bugrom, and yawning every ten seconds.

She informed me that my plans would have to wait— for three months.

I still don't understand it. I suppose it IS almost winter. But you wouldn't know it, just to go outside. The temperature can't have fallen even five degrees. This IS El-Hazard. They use mayflies for snow here, fer cryin' out loud.

But Deva and the entire Bugrom race are hibernating.

Deva left me with a warning. She said that, if a human were left alone in the Bugrom hive, for several months, and if they didn't keep themselves occupied... they might... go crazy.

They'd get the... "hive madness."

Hive madness. As if I, the great and magnificent Lord God Master, Katsuhiko Jinnai, were capable of being, or going, even the slightest bit insane.

—

Jinnai had begun his three-month relaxation period.

He sat at a small table, in a comfortable lounge prepared for his use, and gazed across the table— and stared down the gaping maw of sheer madness. It looked back at him with a sweet smile.

Its name was... Ifurita.

She smiled sweetly, completely unaware of pretty much everything in general, as usual, but unaware, in particular, of the effect she was having on her master's mental state.

Ah, it's so nice in here, today, isn't it?, she had said, just after they had sat at the table. It's so peaceful and quiet.

Nice day for a nice chat, she had said... Twenty-six and a half minutes of dead silence ago.

Jinnai wasn't in the mood to chat. He had other things on his rapidly unbalancing mind.

_Dear God, she's stupid,_ Jinnai thought.

_Yes, she always does her very best. She's cheerful to a fault. She's polite, and respectful. She takes her orders seriously, when she can remember them._

_She's a tireless little house-keeper— or, rather, hive-keeper. Deva always says that the hive's never been neater or cleaner._

_And she looked so nice in that business-woman's suit, when we infiltrated the ceremony at the kingdom of Baron. My little demon doll, all grown up and graduated from the college of evil. Why, it makes a father proud..._

_But... she's so completely, utterly, and mind-numbingly stupid._

_She makes a bag of hammers look like a Cray super-computer._

_If her brains were dynamite, she couldn't blow her own nose._

_Calling her thick as a brick would be an insult to the bricks. Even the unusually stupid bricks._

_She is SO! VERY! STUPID!,_ Jinnai thought. _Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stooooopid._

_The word 'stupid' is just an empty meaningless sound, when one tries to use it to describe her. The breathtaking range, and scope, and breadth, of her stupidity can't be put into words._

_Huge tracts of stupidity. Cubic hectares of stupidity. So much stupidity that it's collapsing under its own weight, and becoming a primal force, destroying everything in its path._

_Just looking at her, I can feel my intelligence being eclipsed by her stupidity. The heat, and light, and energy of my brilliance is being sucked away mercilessly by the super-dense singularity of her stupidity._

_Her stupidity is destroying the very fabric of my being. It's crushing me, and tearing me apart, all at the same time. It's stuffing me into a metaphysical blender and hitting 'puree'._

_It's twisting my very soul, like a damp washcloth, and wringing the intelligence, and sanity, out of me, like dirty dish-water. I can hear it dripping away._

_Drip, drip, drip,_ Jinnai thought. _Drip, drip, drip._

_Wait. I really do hear something. It's echoing in this silent room. What is it? Is water actually dripping down on the table?_

_Oh. No. She's tapping her finger on the table. Tap, tap, tap._

Ifurita saw Jinnai drop his eyes to stare at her tapping finger. She smiled again, more nervously now, and she sweat-dropped, but she didn't, or couldn't, stop tapping her finger.

_Tap, tap, tap,_ Jinnai thought. _Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap. Tap. TAP. TAP TAP. TAP! TAP TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP TAP!! TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP—_

Jinnai lunged, grabbed Ifurita by the shoulders, and screamed. "DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP TAPPING LIKE THAT!? YOU DEPLORABLY DIM-WITTED DEMON DOLL!!"

Ifurita held his arms up, and gently guided him back to his seat, taking no notice of his insult. "Master! Please, try to relax!"

Jinnai sat back down heavily. He began to perspire heavily. He loosened his school uniform necktie, and ran a hand through his usually immaculate hair. "I'm sorry... I've just been cooped up here so long..."

Ifurita smiled sweetly, yet again. "I think we both need a nice hot cup of tea, and a good meal. Just hang on, OK?" She rose into the air, and darted away.

She returned in almost no time, carrying a large covered tray. Jinnai smiled. "Mmm, boy. I'm starving!"

Ifurita set her tray down on the table, and uncovered it, to reveal a small pot of bitter green tea and a bowl of cookies. "How 'bout that? Food fit for a Lord God Master Conqueror!"

Jinnai slumped and made a small sad raspberry noise. But then, he suddenly exploded again. "I NEED SOME REAL FOOD!!"

He swung an arm out and swept the tea and cookies from the table. Then he grabbed the edge of the table with both hands and whacked his head against it a few times.

And then, having whacked his head a little too hard, he held his hands over his face and began to cry like a little girl.

Ifurita embraced him tenderly, and patted his shoulder. "Relax, Master. I'm here for you. Let it out. Thaaat's right..."

But then a small cartoon light bulb appeared over Ifurita's head. "Hey, I know what you need!"

She grabbed Jinnai, effortlessly draped him over a shoulder, and flew away with him.

—

Ifurita had taken Jinnai to the Bugrom war room. She deposited him next to a long wide table in the center of the room. Jinnai stared at it blankly as she lit several lamps that hung over it.

It was a three-dimensional map of El-Hazard, complete with models resembling tiny Bugrom troops, on one side of a miniature River of God, and Roshtarian troops on the other side of the river. It even had a softball-sized model Eye of God, hanging on a thread, over a tiny model Floristica.

Ifurita stood back from Jinnai, and walked round the table. "Yes sir. A good war game is the best thing for nerves."

She picked up a model Roshtarian soldier, pointed its bayonet at Jinnai, and made a shooting sound with her mouth. "Psh psh!"

Jinnai flinched, then smiled shakily and giggled. "Cut it out!"

Ifurita turned to a smaller table, against one wall, and took up a grooved wax cylinder. "I'll put on some music. It'll help you relax."

She set the cylinder into a gramophone, and started it up. The opening chords of a not-at-all relaxing military-band march rang out, and echoed in the halls of the silent Bugrom hive.

As Jinnai picked up a model Bugrom and looked at it, Ifurita left the room, took up a broom, and began to sweep the floor just outside the room.

Jinnai sighed, and set the model Bugrom back on the diorama. He breathed out again, smiled again, and actually seemed to relax, just a little bit. He spoke out loud to himself. "What a girl."

He adjusted the position of the model Bugrom slightly, then began to rearrange the other Bugrom troops. "Aah... This is the good life. Just make plans, and let my mind drift...

"Aaaaah. I'll just make plans... And think PLEASANT thoughts.

"Mizuhara. Killed by one of his infernal inventions. Slowly and painfully electrocuted...

"Mizuhara. Stripped and buried up to his neck in an ant hill, screaming for mercy...

"Mizuhara. Trapped in a plummeting elevator, forced to listen to elevator music during the last few seconds before his death..."

Jinnai rolled his eyes and sighed with pleasure. Then he began to laugh. It was a much more restrained laugh than his usual maniacal cackle, but it was even more disturbing. "Ohhhhh... Hee hee. Hee. Hee hee hee. Hee..."

He went to the other side of the table, and began to arrange the model Roshtarian troops in groups of ten, like bowling pins. He spoke in an ever-rising voice, as the military music also slowly rose to a triumphant crescendo.

"They think I'm crazy. But *I* know better... It is not *I* who am crazy. It is *I* who am MAD!!

"Didn't you HEAR 'em? Didn't you SEE the CROWDS!?"

Ifurita leaned into the room, with a puzzled expression, thinking that Jinnai had asked her a direct question. She shrugged to herself, and leaned back out to return to her sweeping.

Jinnai suddenly reached over the table, grabbed the model Eye of God, and plucked it from its thread. He held it to his cheek and sighed happily. "Oh, my BELOVED Eye of God! How I LOVE your evil center! And your oh-so-pointy armored covering!"

He set the model Eye of God on the table, and began to roll it around the table, knocking the model Roshtarian troops over.

Ifurita was drawn back into the room by his rising voice. She put one finger to her mouth, in concern, as she watched him.

Jinnai continued to rant as he rolled the model Eye of God over the remaining Roshtarian model troops, and then over the Bugrom model troops as well.

"You're not like the others!... You like the same things I do! Plastic trophies. Little stubby pencils! Ugly shoes!!

"We're not PLAYING PING-PONG any more!!— We're BOWLING!!"

Ifurita had had enough. "Stop it! You're talking crazy!"

The gramophone suddenly skipped and stopped.

Jinnai grabbed the model Eye of God in both hands and backed away from Ifurita, drooling just a little. "OH, NO! I know what YOU want! You coveteth my Eye of God!!"

Ifurita frowned. "Come on, now..."

"No you don't!" Jinnai yelled. "You can't take it from me now!"

He held the model Eye of God to his cheek again. His eyes went all sad and shiny. "I've had this Eye of God— since I came to El-Hazard!— People!— Always trying to take it from me!"

His voice suddenly rose to a shriek. "WHY— won't they LEAVE me— ALONE!?"

He threw himself into a corner of the room, and braced himself against the walls with outstretched arms, and glared at Ifurita like a hydrophobic Chihuahua.

Ifurita held up her open hands. "Eee-easy, now..."

"BACK OFF, MAN!!" Jinnai screamed. He reached into his jacket and held out his precious comb. "DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS!!"

Ifurita blinked, in obvious confusion.

"ONE STEP CLOSER!! I'M WARNING YOU!! DON'T MAKE ME USE IT!!"

Ifurita steeled herself, and took a step towards Jinnai.

"NOW you've done it!!" Jinnai yelled. "YOU'VE FORCED ME TO USE IT!!"

He held out the comb, narrowed his eyes, and clenched his teeth. And then— so slowly, so deliberately— he combed his hair.

Ifurita, failing to understand exactly how this was supposed to stop her, threw herself at Jinnai, grabbed him with both hands, and pinned him to the floor.

Jinnai struggled pathetically, groaning and drooling. Then his eyes suddenly went all sad and shiny again. "I'm... hurting..." he whimpered.

His eyes rolled back, and his head fell to the floor, none too gently.

Ifurita bit her lip. "My poor crazy master!"

She picked him up and hugged him tightly, smushing his face into her chest. Sadly, Jinnai was far too far gone to enjoy it.

—

CONQUEROR'S LOG

I'm tired. So tired.

I can't believe my own demon god attacked me. Maybe, if I occupy her mind with more duties, I can control her... HIVE MADNESS!!

—

Jinnai and Ifurita stood in a large empty room, deep in the maze of the Bugrom hive. The only thing in the room was a low control panel, with a single large red button set into its flat surface.

Ifurita stood at attention, as Jinnai glared at her. "Now listen, Ifurita," he said. "I've got a job for you. See this button?"

Ifurita reached out to push it. Jinnai slapped her hand away and scolded her loudly. "DON'T TOUCH IT!! IT'S THE FAN FICTION ERASER BUTTON, YOU FOOL!!"

Ifurita looked worried. "So... What'll happen?..."

That's just it!" Jinnai said, smiling far too widely. "We don't know! Maybe something bad!... Maybe something good!... I guess we'll never know!... 'Cause you're going to guard it! You won't touch it, will you!?"

Ifurita saluted.

Jinnai walked away, laughing his new even-more-disturbing laugh. "Hee! Hee hee! Hee! Hee hee! Heeeh..."

Ifurita took up her key-staff in a ready position, and began to pace back and forth in the room. But her eyes never left the button.

She suddenly stopped, and looked... conflicted.

"Oh, how long can trusty Ifurita hold out?"

Ifurita gulped, and brandished her key-staff. "WHO'S THERE!?"

"How can she possibly resist the diabolical urge to push the button that could erase her very existence?"

Ifurita sighed. "Oh no. Not HIM again..."

A rather shady looking character stepped out of the shadows, and continued his dramatic narrative. "Will her tortured mind give in to its uncontrollable desires?"

Ifurita blinked. "Huh? My tortured who? Uncontrollable what? I was only thinking about pushing—"

The author put an arm around Ifurita's shoulders, and he brought her to the edge of the panel. "Can she withstand the temptation to push the button that even now beckons her ever closer?"

Ifurita bit her lip. "Um... It didn't beckon me closer at all. You just brought me up to the panel."

The author's voice rose. "Will she succumb to the maddening urge to eradicate this story— at the MERE! PUSH! of a SINGLE! BUTTON!"

Ifurita sighed again. "You're not listening to me, are you?"

The author wasn't listening to her. "The BEAUTIFUL SHINY BUTTON!! The JOLLY CANDY-LIKE BUTTON!!"

Ifurita gulped again. "If you like that button so much— maybe YOU should push it."

The author came to the climax of his narrative. "Will she hold out, folks? CAN she hold out!?"

Ifurita raised an eyebrow. "Well... YEAH. My master told me not to do it."

"Oh," said the author.

They both stared at the button, for a long silent awkward pause.

The author suddenly thought of another approach. "Say... Ifurita? You're an evil girl, right?"

Ifurita smiled proudly, and nodded. "Mmm-hmm!"

"Well, what could be more evil than erasing EVERYTHING? And disobeying orders while you're at it?"

Ifurita put one finger to her mouth, in thought. "Well..."

"Why, I'll bet this is a test!" the author said. "Don't you SEE? Jinnai WANTS you to push the button!"

Ifurita grinned. "But... If he WANTS me to push the button, then I can be even MORE evil by NOT pushing the button!"

The author hung his head and rubbed his temples. "My brain hurts... No wonder Jinnai went insane so quickly."

The story experienced another long silent awkward pause.

"Why do you want me to erase this story, anyway?" Ifurita asked.

The author sighed. "Oh, come ON! Have you READ it? It's a tired fourth-wall-breaking spam-fic. And 'Wanderers' parodies of 'Ren And Stimpy' have already been done to death."

"Oh," said Ifurita. "Gee. I kinda liked the part where you used my master's comb in place of Ren's toothbrush."

She looked around her nervously. "But... shouldn't it have ended by now?"

The author held his hands over his face yet again. "That's the POINT. It's already several hundred words too long. The parody ran out more than two hundred words ago. But I can't think of an ending. I'm tellin' ya, I got nothin'."

"No, you've got a story without an ending," Ifurita said. "You'd only have nothing if I pressed this button, like this—"

* _CLICK_ *

* _pouf_ *

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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